Life Hurtles

I doubt I have any readers that know of what has happened in my life, but to sum it up, ever since my dad ended his life, it seems like everyone leaves.  Recently, I got a box of his things from my grandmother.  After going through almost everything in there, there was one white envelope from the funeral home left.  Curious as I am, I decided to go through it (BAD DECISION).  In this envelope, I found the information that I have been wondering if I would ever like to know : the coroners report and the first responder's report on the scene.  In this report was a full description of the crime scene, and how the deed was done.  My mom knows that I read and immediately after, asked me if I was okay.  Now, I am not one to share my feelings when it comes to that subject so I told her I was fine... Only thing is, I'm really not.  How can I ever forget the image that the description put in my head?  How.. how do you forget something like that? And how in the world do I tell someone that I'm scared to death of my fate being the same as his?  I just don't know what to do sometimes..